This post has nothing to do with my top secret government job whatsoever...

Somehow I have been living in Chicago for almost seven years.
How the hell did that happen?I remember being in New Paltz, NY for a while…and then I vaguely remember moving a bunch of shit out of a tiny little apartment…I remember a truck…I remember really scary, pink, lobster bisque somewhere in the middle of the country….and then I remember driving into town along the lake.

Somewhere, seven years have gone bye-bye. And I turn 30 this year…which means I’ve been here since I was 23 and that just doesn’t seem possible. Because I moved right after graduating college…1998….hrm..well I guess maybe the math DOES add up. It’s never been my strong suit after all.

So seven years. In one place. In one of the few places I ever thought I would end up…EVER. I think I swore on a stack of bibles once a year until I was 23 that I would never leave New York. Then, though, something happened and New York became too much for me to handle. Maybe it was the crowds. Maybe it was Disney taking over Time Square. Oh, wait…I REMEMBER what it was. It was the cost of living! That’s right.

Believe it or not, people who graduate with B.A.s in English don’t make a lot of money straight out of college. In fact, we tend to starve, or seek employment in unrelated fields.
And sure, maybe if I had found a job right out of college and stuck with it, instead of floating aimlessly across the Midwest wind currents I might be making more money right now but, boooo, how dull.

So, here I am, avoiding the expense of NY, trying to eek out a living and a nice apartment here in The Second City and what do they do? They raise the cost of living! Right here! In Chicago!
WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?

To be fair, it’s not the cost of living so much as it is the cost of getting from one place to another. It’s a fare hike. A cruel, poorly thought out, detrimental to all walks of society, fare hike. (Ooh, see now the beginning of this sentence seems like it might be a funny pun. Let’s go with that shall we?) Apparently it’s not enough that we pay $1.75 to get on a train that doesn’t even have straps to hang onto. It’s not enough that in the dead of winter (which is most of the year around here) you have to stand outside and wait for busses that sometimes take an hour to show up.

*My favorite part of trying to catch a bus is when you’ve been standing at the stop for about 40 minutes and way in the distance you think you maybe see a bus. But, you are wrong. Not because there is no bus. In fact, there are 4 buses…an armada of buses if you will. Where have they all been? Where are they all coming from? Were they having tea and crumpets somewhere?*

Now they are talking about either cutting service that already sucks or raising fares…on service that already sucks. Any day now it’s going to be cheaper to own a car and deal with all of those hassles than it will be to be a conscientious commuter trying to do my part against global warming trends and exhaust pollution.

Also, have they even thought about what this is going to mean when all of the amateur drinkers are out on weekend nights? This city already sort of indulges the drink and drive set. Too many bars have parking lots and valets. One would think they would host more cab stands than valets but…whatever. I am just a mortal pedestrian fearing for her own safety and the safety of those around her. See how conscientious I am?


OK so we’ve got the possible fare hikes. We’ve got the possible service cuts. We’ve got a busload of angry commuters and all of the drunk drivers.

Sick, but New York is beginning to look appealing in comparison.

And no, this had nothing to do with weddings whatsoever. So sue me.

I Swear This Will All Relate To My Year Of Weddings Somehow

Why does it cost so much to be healthy in this country?

I didn't put quotation marks around the word healthy either. It's not subjective, your doctor can tell you (I know mine does.) You are either healthy or un. Or on your way to one or the other.

Let us examine, shall we?

Gym memberships. In a country where the obesity rate is so high we are calling it an epidemic why does it cost so much to join a gym? I know it's free to run where you want to. But, outside isn't weather controlled, doesn't have a stairmaster or the nifty little shelf to hold your magazine while you jog. Why doesn't my health insurance cover gym memberships? It covers the doctor visits when my doctor tells me to join a gym. It will pay for the prescriptions he writes on paper...why wont my health insurance help me drop 20 pounds by swimming laps? I don't know. Maybe I should give them a call.

Healthy Eating. Have you ordered a salad recently? And I am not talking about one of those salads that takes all the healthy out of vegatables. I am talking about "yeah, hi I'll just have a salad please." For a bowl of lettuce and some sad looking tomatoes you are paying a lot these days. It's cheaper to eat at McDonalds all week than it is to go to Cosi and just get a damn salad. I have no desire to be fat and full of french fries but I don't have $7 a day to spend on wholesome food. Plus, I live in the midwest, America's "heartland" (see, that goes in quotes.) All this farm land as far as the eye can see between me and New York and I am still paying all this money for rabbit food.
And, it's not really that much cheaper to go to the grocery store and buy bags of lettuce. At least, not if you factor in the time it spends hiding in my "crisper," rotting into a smelly bag of green mush. My bags of carrots go soft, cucumbers are doomed from day two and who eats raw broccoli? Apparently not me, or my boyfriend. Let's not even start in on those "healthy" (ooh look more quotes!) food markets....Whole Foods, Trader Joe's...who the hell is Joe anyway and why can't I trade in my box of Girl Scout Cookies for some flash frozen strawberries. Not much of a trader that Joe.
If you start buying your groceries at these stores where they promote organic foods and things grown without the aid of pesticides, free range chickens raised on whole grains and fairy dust, do you know what you are buying? Food that is going to go bad a lot faster than the crap you buy at Pathmark.

Which, odd note, there are no Pathmarks in Chicago. But there also aren't any Jewel Food Stores in New York.

Anyway, it's all the same. It's all food and it's all too expensive. I can buy frozen meals for a dollar each. They will keep me fed. But, they are also pretty much the equivilant of a salt lick. Ew sodium.

So now you are asking, "Jen how does this relate to weddings? You've gone and run off on a tangent haven't you?"

And the answer is NO, I HAVE NOT! So there.

Since my doctor has been telling me for the past 2 years that I should drop some weight. And since I have, hello 8 weddings to look hot for over the next year, I joined a gym and decided to try and start eating healthier.

Now you ask "Oh, that's great. How is it going?"

And I tell you. It isn't. I am still 23 pounds overweight and now I am broke too.

So tell me, where is the justice in all of this? I pay a buttload of money to a international gym chain, which shall remain nameless (cough cough Ballys). I buy salads, I eat salads... I cut down on my beloved bagels and pizza. I even started thinking skinnier in hopes that some cosmic force might take pity on me while I am sleeping. None of it works. I am about a ramen packet away from being back on the "Starving Artist Diet." Which, while it sounds good on paper, isn't really fun at all and mostly just means you are hungry and eating peanut butter sandwiches all of the time.

It probably doesn't help my plight that my boyfriend seems to have a tape worm. Seriously, I don't know where he puts it all. It's either a tape worm or a hollow leg. But, worse than him eating me out of cupboard and fridge is the fact that all he wants to eat are frozen burritos, potato chips and prepackaged andouille sausage! Of course, all of this is pretty cheap because all it is mostly is salt in one form or another.

So, while my veggies are rotting because I am, I admit, a little lazy about preping and cooking sometimes, this guy is chowing down on garbage and maintaining his boyish figure.

On top of all this, I read an online article today claiming that some wacky German scientists have discovered a gene that causes people to dislike cabbage and spinach. AND...AND this same gene often protects people from obesity.
Where can I get this gene and does it come in a size 12?

Sigh, maybe I should make The Boyfriend wear the hot red dress to the weddings and I can wear a suit to hide the love handles. Screw the gym, Trader Joe and the Germans.

"Here's your Kool-Aid. Now, get on the Arc."

"People were made to live two-by-two."
- Thorton Wilder's Mrs. Gibbs
"Our Town"

So, I know (off the top of my head) 10 couples getting married within the next 18 months. I wish them all the best of luck with that whole thing. But, I can't help but wonder what caused this overwhelming trend among my friends. We're all in our mid-twenties to mid-thirties. We're all healthy. Well "healthy." We're all white...which is something I've never really stopped to realize until just this second (seriously.) We're all moderately surviving on various financial levels. Is it just the natural imperative that good ole Thorton eluded to? It must be, right?

There has to be a science to it. The scent of someone's neck. The whole fluttery brain thing that happens - getting all flustered and hot when you try to talk to them the first thousand times. The way they can put their arm around your waist and squeeze just the right spot. Biological Geometry? Does that make sense? I don't know. But I do know that there is something really basically instinctual about falling in love that we've all had stirring around in the back of our brains for a long time by this point in our lives.

Is there anyone over the age of ...let's say 16, just so it plays in the sticks...who doesn't think about marriage? Not "obsess" over marriage, just think about marriage. Everyone does. We think about what type of person they will be. We think about what the ceremony will be like.

Quick side note: When I was around 14 years old I had the perfect ceremony planned down to the type of shoes I would be wearing....there were a lot of maroon and blood red roses involved. Heh heh, that's pretty funny looking back on it now.

Anyway, so OK maybe I went a little far with that. But I was young and you get what I'm talking about. Established: we have all thought about marriage, and what it will mean, to some degree or another.

So, all this thinking about it and then all of a sudden BOOM. The person you are dating is suddenly The One. That one, the one you want to grow old and into rocking chairs on the porch with. The one who is all and everything. So what do you do? You get married. Right, sure. Absolutely. You get married. There's a ring, and some phone calls and a few parties. Some time later there's The Big Show.

It's a show. I've worked on enough shows to know one when I see one. A wedding is just a really expensive, one-night-only, show. If done correctly it is the best show people have seen since, well the last wedding probably. It's a production. You have lines to memorize, there is an audience. Everyone claps at the end and then we all go to the bar to celebrate. Seriously, it's theater. So there has to be some science to the whole thing. If there is a science to "falling in love" - pheromone, brain impulses, erogenous zones...yep, that's science - then there is a science to making The Big Show happen properly.

It's not an EXACT science. I've been to some pretty unmemorable weddings that had every good intention. But there is definitely a science to it.

I have absolutely no idea what the formula is. But, I have 8 shows to see this year. I figure the key must be out there somewhere. My mom said to me "Eight weddings? Maybe your friends are trying to tell you something."

It's possible. But, my friends are not that subtle. Nor are they all that concerned with my marriage status. But maybe they will be able to tell me something else.

And maybe in the end, my mom might just get lucky.

(That was in no way a binding statement of any kind.)

8 Weddings and Not Enough Plane Tickets

I wonder if I can find an airline willing to sponsor this, my Jetset Year Of Weddings.
8 before the end of 2006. And that isn't even counting the nuptuals I refuse to accept or don't want to go to.
And it's not as if these people are convienently living in one city, or state for that matter. In fact, in September I have a week between a wedding in Cali and a wedding NY.
I've decided I'm going to chronicle this year of weddings, showers and bachlor/bachlorette weekend getaways. The good, the bad, the ugly...it's all going to be in here.
Friends forgive me.
Enemies, well you just shouldn't have invited me now should you?
By the end of this year I will be an expert wedding guest.