Friday, March 17, 2006

The Most Powerful Couch Jumper Of All Time

So, apparently Tom Cruise, voted Craziest Man Alive 2005, has welded his star power for the forces of evil once again.

Not content with merely maligning women suffering from post-partum depression, haranguing morning show reporters or keeping a virtual child bride (FREE KATIE!) under lock and key, he has resorted to corporate blackmail to get his way.

Still pouting over the "Trapped In The Closet" episode of South Park that orginially aired back in November he told Comedy Central's parent corporation, Viacom, that he would boycott their press junkets for Mission Impossible 3 unless they prevented the episode from airing again.

If I were Matt and Trey this might make me write MORE episodes lampooning this moron.

Alas, I am neither Matt, nor Trey.

But I have an idea.

I think we should boycott MI3. All of us.

First of all, it can't be THAT good. MI2 was pushing it, if you ask me.

Second of all, the entire world seems to bow down at the feet of this little man. How did this happen? You do realize where this is leading right?

Someday, probably about a week before the offspring gets sprung The Church of Scientology (God, I cannot believe I just capitalized those words) is going to announce the breathtaking discovery that Tom Cruise is indeed the long awaited reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.

The baby will be born - we already know from the gossip rags they are expecting a son - and will have some pretentious name thrust upon his wee tiny babiness.

Flash forward 17 years when BabyXCruise, after years of home schooling and vacations on Scientology ranches working out his Thetans, finally meets up with his archnemesis... Kal-El Coppola Cage.

In a meeting more epic than when X-Factor and X-Men battled each other, it will be up to Kal-El Coppola Cage to defeat this meglomaniacal social demi-god. Bearing his mother's pert nose and his father's ego BabyXCruise MIGHT put up a tough fight.

I'm guessing he's going to have a glass jaw or a heel made of spun sugar.

Kal-El Coppola Cage - our future rests in your hands. You will be our last, and best, defense against the impending tyranny of Scientology and Couchjumper Cruise.

So, yeah - Boycott MI3 people. The fight begins here. And now... Or, well May 5th when the movie is released.

Save yourselves. Save our celebrities. Save our celebrity lampooners. Save our world.

Say NO to MI3.