Wednesday, July 05, 2006

What Else Should I Be?

When I was growing up I was taught that it was better to swallow everyone else's hurtful bullshit than to let them know just how much it affected me. I've lived most of my life like that. Hiding things from people because, I was told, if someone knew how upset I was they might not want to be my friend anymore. To that end I have taken the high road when: ditched on my first day of Junior High by the kids I thought were walking home with me; I was rumored to be a lesbian because I was quiet and awkward in High School; when I was made fun of for being fat; when cousins were invited by other relatives on luxurious vacation getaways and I was left at home; My best friend stole my boyfriend...both in college and high school; and, um that unfortunate, five year incident relationship that shall never be spoken of again.
Now, in my adult life, I get told "don't take things so personally." Which, you know, basically amounts to the same thing as far as I am concerned.
I have spent my life picking my way along the proverbial high road. It is slow going. Sometimes it is hard to determine which, of the many roads, is the "high" one. And it's a tiring process, maintaining a steadfast course along this road.

Well, I've gone and abandoned the least for now.
Because really, there is only so much of other people's hangups I can take. I have my own special baggage, thank you very much. I don't really need other people piling theirs ontop. What do I look like? A goddamn bellhop?

There's an issue. Apparently a serious issue. So serious in fact that it was couched in nonsensical drama until today. Sneaky issue, trying to hide behind the banal.

I have been asked to "make things right." Which, I interpret as having been asked to apologize to offended parties. Well, one offended party. THIS offended party probably isn't going to get an apology any time soon. But, I have come to realize that such is life. My life. I am a rude, offensive, unethical creature. And you had best lock up all of your thoughts, good books and sons lest I come and snatch them away in the middle of the night. I'm like Lilith that way.

So I apologize.
I am sorry.
I am sorry you feel like I underreacted to your overreacting.
I am sorry you are so insecure in your writing talent that you feel like you need to clutch every word and phrase you put on paper.
I am sorry that you've never heard this particular euphemism before.As an english major I know it has been bandied about like a shuttlecock.
I am sorry you feel like a phrase that was moth-eaten before you ever put it down on paper is something clever enough that you need to claim it as your own.
I am sorry that you felt the need to create an issue of this that has come between good friends.
I am sorry that there obviously isn't enough going on in your life that your decidedly clever brain feels like it needs to harp on this.
I am sorry that it has gotten to this point.

Mmmmh, yeah. I think those are all of the things I am currently sorry for.
Wait, let me think on that for a moment....

Yep, we're done here.

"...Choking on the ashes of her enemies."