Sunday, October 28, 2007

The Machine

So, I went out and bought this elliptical machine last week. It's somewhat alien looking. Like a metallic antelope crouched behind the couch, waiting to spring at me at any moment. I suspect that the anticipation of it's impending attack is part of what makes it so necessary for me to climb on every morning. I'm gonna break this damn thing like a wild stallion before it can break me.

This exercise thing is really hard. Don't ever let anyone tell you that working out is "fun!" Cause I am seriously getting my ass kicked right now. I am not going to lie. I am in no condition to be working out every day with machines and weights and over sized balls. I am a fat, lazy couch-potato and my only hope is to get through these first couple of months without dying or pulling anything irreparably out of place. Maybe then I'll be in shape enough to work out. Right now though, I barely have enough strength left in my upper arm to lift this mug of water. I may die of dehydration, right now. And it will all be the fault of The Machine.

God, I really hate that thing. The day I bought it I went skipping out of the store. I was so excited and in love with the idea of being "fit." Yeah! I was gonna work out, eat healthy all of the time. I would feel vigorous! Full of energy and a zest for life.

Mostly, I'm just tired. And a little sore. And sometimes, when I look at The Machine, I cry a little. Knowing that the next morning, I'm just going to have to climb back on up there and work up a sweat. Again. But, in the long run I no longer feel guilty about my time on the couch, knowing that I have actually earned it now. So, that's nice. And, in about ten minutes, when I go downstairs and heat up that slice of leftover pizza I wont feel guilty about that either. I may feel a little guilty about the potato chips I have later tonight. Or, I may skip them. Of my own volition. Having absolutely nothing to do with that Machine that I have to squeeze past in order to even get downstairs. Nope. Nothing to do with that at all.

Stupid machine.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


On a good day she can wait until she gets home to have her first cigarette. Savoring each, cancerous, drag from the comfort of the couch while her man fixes dinner and the cats clamor for attention. She is warm and safe and dry. The day is over, she can kick her shoes off under the coffee table and disengage herself from the world outside.

On a bad day, on a day when work has beaten her down and she can feel the contact lenses grating against her dry eyes, she lights up as she exits the building. Or, sometimes she waits to realize that the bus will not be soon to arrive. Odd work hours mean missing the rush of rush hour but it also means buses and trains may be few and far between. These are the days she shuffles through her ipod, waiting for the bus, until she finds Tom Waits and will listen to him croon about how hard it is to grow up.

The weather is, generally, irrelevant to her mood on work days. She usually only sees the outside on her way to work and her desk is nowhere near any of the plate glass windows that overlook the city (and a glimmer of the lake to the east.) Her days are grey. The walls are grey, the carpets are grey. As are the chairs and most of the conversations she overhears around her. She colors those grey with her mind because she would rather not care what people are talking about than get caught up in the mundane bullshit of office politics and small talk. Besides, the grey voices are rarely speaking to her anyway. They're rarely speaking to each other, mostly they are talking to hear their own voices.

It is these days, these grey cigarette days, when she is most grateful for her home. For the light and sounds, for the company of love and cats. Even when it involves nothing more than reading a book while baseball plays on TV it is, at least, illuminated. It is, at least, real. She is grateful even for too many pairs of shoes kicked off beneath the coffee table and too many dishes piled in the sink. She can savor dinner in a way that the leftovers for lunch will be impossible to enjoy - with a glass of wine and conversation containing more colors than...not a rainbow, because that's silly. But more colors than her grey days could ever hope to contain.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

369 Days

First things first.
Why is it October and 80 degrees in Chicago?

Second (and barely more importantly as I sit here sweating, in October.) 369 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I'll tell you something. I am heartly exhausted with the word fiancé. Blah. What a poncy word. And I've been using it (mostly. You shut up.) for almost a year. I just don't like it. I don't like saying it. I don't like referring to The Fiancé as The Fiancé. It sticks to my tongue. It doesn't want to be said. I still use boyfriend sometimes. But, I've begun to call him The Husband in my mind.

I think part of it is that saying "fiancé" opens the situation up to a myriad of questions that I just don't like talking to strangers about. Or, non-friends. Now you're going to ask me for all the details. The whole thing: the ring, how we met. Bleeh bleeh bleeh. Blah blah blah. Blow blow blow.


I am occasionally overcome with a sweeping desire to dance around whatever room I'm in at the prospect of this wedding. And, as details finally begin coming together I sometimes clap my hands in glee. I can't wait. But, at those times, I have my clan to whom I can go squealing and jump up and down in circles for however long I need.

The rest of you peoples? Drive along. Stop gawking at the bride to be.

As for the other part of it, the Marriage part of it? I am neither sentimental enough, nor drunk enough to expound upon that topic at this time. Suffice to say that it is good to love and be loved in return.

Anyway, back to this wedding.

I am now in possession of one (1) wedding tip & etiquette book (thank you, young Mrs. LaGarde.) Thankfully it is not too outdated, or overbearing. And I'm sure that some of it will come in handy. But, I'm not lacking for advice. Or help. Which is so awesome. And I am so grateful.

So yeah. 369 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Days to go. 369 days to plan, fit, flower, taste and get it all in order.

Bring it on.